It's 12:54am on October 31st 2008. Yes, it's Halloween. Sometime at the beginning of this month, around the time I tried so haphazardly to dispose of the boy I liked so much, I promised to be celibate. I said I wouldn't have sex (in general), and I promised to figure out what I would do with him by the end of October, a time safely before my birthday (November 5th, for future reference).
It was his suggestion to keep trying at the un-relationship, this time without sex. He called everyday as he travelled home from school (what a luxury!). I wondered if something had changed. We met up a couple of times as I live right in the middle of his route home. It ended the same each time: with half my clothes on the floor, with a boyishly pleased look on his face, and my Pikachu hungry for more. No, we didn't have sex those times, but oh did he try.
He finally got mad one day, apparently he had forgotten that this whole no-sex business was his own doing. We didn't speak for a week. Then one day he called me out of the blue to meet up for dinner. "Can we talk about what happened?" I asked. Sure we could, but it didn't do any good. A few days later and after dinner he asked "Can I have sex with you now?" It sounds so funny in writing, but the sentiment was different in person, at least on my side. I sat there and tried to make a decision, but I couldn't figure out what I was deciding, really. Eventually I let that warm body come closer to mine. Celibate? What's that?
I thought I'd figured it out. That I had simply learned to accept the un-relationship for what it was. I was too busy, I told myself, for anything more. He was very busy too. I tried to tell myself it was school, but he was definitely excluding me from weekend plans. It's not a big deal, you know . . . Except that it is. I wanted a relationship. I wanted someone who would at least include me in existing plans, if not plan things with me.
My own weekends were busy. So were my weekdays, to be honest, but I always found time. It was just sex, and I was dating other people, but it just felt like something a little bit more too.
The day before Halloween a small voice inside me was drowning out the guest lecturer's recital of the signs and symptoms of Tuberculosis. I did not care that the slide was of an emphysematous lung. I wanted to joke all silly-like about how horny I was to someone who would hopefully be a little horny for me too. Eventually I told him I wanted to see him. He said "Maybe Monday? I'm busy this weekend with Halloween."
I needed nothing more. Nothing had changed. It couldn't even be called a booty call un-relationship because every time I called, I was told to wait. I did not feel any more prepared to decipher my own feelings than I had a month ago, back when I had decided to be celibate, but I knew what I had to do. I sent a direct text saying I deserved more.
No response. So it ended.
I know only a handful of hours have passed, but I've decided I just don't want to date people anymore. Not him, but also not anyone. I have every intention of cancelling Saturday night's date with the sugar-daddy-to-be. I just need to figure me out. I just need to be alone, to feel alone again.
So, Happy Halloween. It's funny to think that in five days I'll be celebrating my birthday . . . With friends, with classmates, maybe lab buddies, but definitely also with the many hasty that-wasn't-a-real-dates I have scattered throughout Boston (Are we friends? Who knows.). Hopefully I've learned my lesson as I enter this new year in my life.
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