The End

So last night I called him. Then he called me. Then I called him. Then he called me again. Finally at about 12:30am I sent him a text message "Awake?" His response came immediately "Yes."

I had written a list of everything I wanted to say. Then instead of putting it in my pocket so it would be with me when The Conversation happened, I left it on my desk. It wouldn't have mattered either way. It was time for The End and not The Conversation.

I told him the truth: I got mad, and instead of asking him to clarify what upset me, I just flipped out and sent an direct but angry text message. Now that's just silly. For one, being angry without concrete justification is acting without information. Second, if I had asked him what his plans were for the weekend, I would get a list that matched what he had told me a few days before. (See? Even I can overreact.)

I also told him that I don't like being angry. I don't like making a big deal out of nothing. I don't like being in a relationship where I don't feel confident that I matter in the other person's life, which leads to the first two points.

He listened, and he said that he understood what I was saying. He agreed with the text message - that the line "I deserve better" is true. I deserved, he said, someone who had more time. I agreed, but I definitely deserve more than that too.

That was it. It was over. He teased that it didn't mean we wouldn't ever holler at each other . . . Or something like that. To be honest, I realize now that he'd make a better friend than lover, but I won't be surprised if I never hear from him - I rarely did while we were intimate. I suppose I'll just have to wait and see.

As for me personally, I'm happy this is over. It was too emotionally draining and was becoming less and less physically satisfying to justify the personal drama. Right now, I don't want anything from anyone. I just want to figure ME out.

As a side note, though, I don't think I ever want to date anyone that's over 27 (for this up-and-coming year). There's such a gap in experience and expectations even between people who are in school and people who work that I truly believe YES, Age makes a Difference.

Philosophique Halloween

My facebook status reads "(NotaTotalDisaster) is touched by an angel. Still no on 8 and yes on 2." It should really read "(NotaTotalDisaster) is finally done being 21."

It seems I've missed out on a lot by choosing to be a prissy and prude undergraduate student. Not that I regret not passing out in a stranger's dorm room, vomiting somewhere between the Pyramid and the Parkside Dorms, or being written up. True, I did miss out on all those bad experiences, but I also missed out on the life experience that is gained from such occurrences.

Well, tonight I had that experience. I got blasted out of my mind. In fact, I got so drunk so early that I took two car rides with strangers and was passed out for all of the Halloween celebrations. I have finally vomited and passed out from drinking, two things I swore would never happen. Perhaps both will make me more cognizant of the human state and a better dental practitioner (wow, what a personal statement moment).

At the very least, I'll be more compassionate towards all the super-drunk people I've been hating on.

These experiences have changed me for the better. After such extreme kindness from strangers, the bar has been raised for my personal relationships. I want more. I want better quality friendships and better quality relationships, and most importantly, I'm willing to wait.

So, Happy November 1st. Three days before the election and four days before my birthday, something finally feels different. Somehow, I hope this experience will help me *Live* more and *Expect* more.

The Day Before the First Day of the Month

It's 12:54am on October 31st 2008. Yes, it's Halloween. Sometime at the beginning of this month, around the time I tried so haphazardly to dispose of the boy I liked so much, I promised to be celibate. I said I wouldn't have sex (in general), and I promised to figure out what I would do with him by the end of October, a time safely before my birthday (November 5th, for future reference).

It was his suggestion to keep trying at the un-relationship, this time without sex. He called everyday as he travelled home from school (what a luxury!). I wondered if something had changed. We met up a couple of times as I live right in the middle of his route home. It ended the same each time: with half my clothes on the floor, with a boyishly pleased look on his face, and my Pikachu hungry for more. No, we didn't have sex those times, but oh did he try.

He finally got mad one day, apparently he had forgotten that this whole no-sex business was his own doing. We didn't speak for a week. Then one day he called me out of the blue to meet up for dinner. "Can we talk about what happened?" I asked. Sure we could, but it didn't do any good. A few days later and after dinner he asked "Can I have sex with you now?" It sounds so funny in writing, but the sentiment was different in person, at least on my side. I sat there and tried to make a decision, but I couldn't figure out what I was deciding, really. Eventually I let that warm body come closer to mine. Celibate? What's that?

I thought I'd figured it out. That I had simply learned to accept the un-relationship for what it was. I was too busy, I told myself, for anything more. He was very busy too. I tried to tell myself it was school, but he was definitely excluding me from weekend plans. It's not a big deal, you know . . . Except that it is. I wanted a relationship. I wanted someone who would at least include me in existing plans, if not plan things with me.

My own weekends were busy. So were my weekdays, to be honest, but I always found time. It was just sex, and I was dating other people, but it just felt like something a little bit more too.

The day before Halloween a small voice inside me was drowning out the guest lecturer's recital of the signs and symptoms of Tuberculosis. I did not care that the slide was of an emphysematous lung. I wanted to joke all silly-like about how horny I was to someone who would hopefully be a little horny for me too. Eventually I told him I wanted to see him. He said "Maybe Monday? I'm busy this weekend with Halloween."

I needed nothing more. Nothing had changed. It couldn't even be called a booty call un-relationship because every time I called, I was told to wait. I did not feel any more prepared to decipher my own feelings than I had a month ago, back when I had decided to be celibate, but I knew what I had to do. I sent a direct text saying I deserved more.

No response. So it ended.

I know only a handful of hours have passed, but I've decided I just don't want to date people anymore. Not him, but also not anyone. I have every intention of cancelling Saturday night's date with the sugar-daddy-to-be. I just need to figure me out. I just need to be alone, to feel alone again.

So, Happy Halloween. It's funny to think that in five days I'll be celebrating my birthday . . . With friends, with classmates, maybe lab buddies, but definitely also with the many hasty that-wasn't-a-real-dates I have scattered throughout Boston (Are we friends? Who knows.). Hopefully I've learned my lesson as I enter this new year in my life.