The End

So last night I called him. Then he called me. Then I called him. Then he called me again. Finally at about 12:30am I sent him a text message "Awake?" His response came immediately "Yes."

I had written a list of everything I wanted to say. Then instead of putting it in my pocket so it would be with me when The Conversation happened, I left it on my desk. It wouldn't have mattered either way. It was time for The End and not The Conversation.

I told him the truth: I got mad, and instead of asking him to clarify what upset me, I just flipped out and sent an direct but angry text message. Now that's just silly. For one, being angry without concrete justification is acting without information. Second, if I had asked him what his plans were for the weekend, I would get a list that matched what he had told me a few days before. (See? Even I can overreact.)

I also told him that I don't like being angry. I don't like making a big deal out of nothing. I don't like being in a relationship where I don't feel confident that I matter in the other person's life, which leads to the first two points.

He listened, and he said that he understood what I was saying. He agreed with the text message - that the line "I deserve better" is true. I deserved, he said, someone who had more time. I agreed, but I definitely deserve more than that too.

That was it. It was over. He teased that it didn't mean we wouldn't ever holler at each other . . . Or something like that. To be honest, I realize now that he'd make a better friend than lover, but I won't be surprised if I never hear from him - I rarely did while we were intimate. I suppose I'll just have to wait and see.

As for me personally, I'm happy this is over. It was too emotionally draining and was becoming less and less physically satisfying to justify the personal drama. Right now, I don't want anything from anyone. I just want to figure ME out.

As a side note, though, I don't think I ever want to date anyone that's over 27 (for this up-and-coming year). There's such a gap in experience and expectations even between people who are in school and people who work that I truly believe YES, Age makes a Difference.

Philosophique Halloween

My facebook status reads "(NotaTotalDisaster) is touched by an angel. Still no on 8 and yes on 2." It should really read "(NotaTotalDisaster) is finally done being 21."

It seems I've missed out on a lot by choosing to be a prissy and prude undergraduate student. Not that I regret not passing out in a stranger's dorm room, vomiting somewhere between the Pyramid and the Parkside Dorms, or being written up. True, I did miss out on all those bad experiences, but I also missed out on the life experience that is gained from such occurrences.

Well, tonight I had that experience. I got blasted out of my mind. In fact, I got so drunk so early that I took two car rides with strangers and was passed out for all of the Halloween celebrations. I have finally vomited and passed out from drinking, two things I swore would never happen. Perhaps both will make me more cognizant of the human state and a better dental practitioner (wow, what a personal statement moment).

At the very least, I'll be more compassionate towards all the super-drunk people I've been hating on.

These experiences have changed me for the better. After such extreme kindness from strangers, the bar has been raised for my personal relationships. I want more. I want better quality friendships and better quality relationships, and most importantly, I'm willing to wait.

So, Happy November 1st. Three days before the election and four days before my birthday, something finally feels different. Somehow, I hope this experience will help me *Live* more and *Expect* more.